Almost Brave, Almost Pregnant
I've been having a hard time explaining myself in the comments, I guess, and this back and forth banter with strangers has got me thinkin...
I was just reading Fraggle_ra's blog, and she's this girl I don't even know, from a long time ago, and I remember going to see Ani D together and thinking she was this whirlwind of a girl, so much energy at once and I wanted to know her, but was maybe a little scared too, and then a week later she invited me to Thanksgiving-- women and wine and something about crafts, craftiness-- and then it never happened, but I was totally thrilled to be invited. To be the friend of a friend.
And really, I am a friend of a frined, a happenstance person, somebody you once knew, somebody you've never known...
These hits and near-misses with rare and complicated individuals keep me whole, make me better, and I often wonder if I'm always open to them, or because I've cultivated a steady glare and I wear my headphones too loud that I avoid them, avoid people with all their intracacies in case they go sour. not-Petunia was kind enough to invite me to drinks and dancing, and I had fun, but I also kind of wondered what I was doing there, with this match-stick of a woman, who I missed always, so together and beautiful smoking my cigarettes; why was I there? Where did I fit into her equation of a life?
In friendships I always feel like the side-show, the freak--- the loudest one, the weird one, the not-thin one, the small-town girl in big-city boots, the straight girl pretending to be gay, the serial monogamist, the kinky girl, the girl who drinks too much and smokes too much and generally makes a fool out of herself... but really I cultivate this difference, I make it larger than it is, I'm really most comfortable being a cartoon of a person.
posted by LittleMissList @ 1:53 AM
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5 Comments:
Great post.
First of all--I'd bet that a good deal of people feel exactly this way at least some of the time, to some degree (not to be too vague).
Secondly--I think maybe you (and I) do it more than most. I like to think of it in a positive way, like I like 'living in the margins', but middle-class white boy knows that he just feels uncomfortable with some of the 'norm'. And there's a part of me that knows I'm just scared to get to know people in the 'regular' ways, so I make it as if I'm pushed to the margins, when I'm the only one pushin.
When I was younger I used to wish I was literally a ghost, or even a guardian angel, all the time--and now I see part of the reason is that I only want to be seen by the people I choose, and that I spend way too much time on the sidelines.
yeah, im feelin this.
This post is kind of a worst case senario posting. I don't know what kind of mood I was in. But I just took a few ideas and started rambling... and then I seemed to have no point, and showed it to Scrunchyface, and he thought it had no point, and was kind of whiny, which: duh. So I saved it, intending to fix it up later, but I'm lazy, and I really liked "whirlwind of a girl", which is what inspired it, so. That's about all.
I love that phrase - "whirlwind of a girl" - I have a friend, Leila, (pronounced Lee-eye-la) who is exactly that - a whirlwind that I crave and miss terribly. She moved to France several years ago and comes home once a year - which means of course that I have to share her with everyone else that wants to see her...I'm glad I do actually know her, can call her a friend.
But even if you were just rambling, I feel some of what you said...I often feel like my life has been a series of near misses, never quite fitting in or being the middle of it all, but always touching or slipping along on the fringe of everything - I realize that it is perhaps because I have a variety of interests and this inducts me into a variety of groups, but also keeps me from full inclusion. But I also realize that I am rather open to a great many things that are not considered the norm or are on the fringe and this too keeps me both satisfied and pigeon-holed. Like you, I seek out these differences, but lament them sometimes too....
wow. so crazy. the whole time i was reading that i was like ohmyfuckingod do i feel like that sometimes...wonder if ive warped my face into permanent rage with the im so fuckin tough gaze, eating myself alive with what the hell am i doing here anyway, not enough of any fuckin thing to ever be that thing enough...jeez.
do you wonder sometimes if were all secretly worried about the same things...but then we ignore them, and then we exaggerate and revel in em...and then ignore em again? and every time everythings all figured out and brilliantfied we just forget that we remembered the answers to all the puzzles we always land ourself in?
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